how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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