so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
