your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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