Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
