Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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