I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
