I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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