you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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