I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
