I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
