you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
