Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
