I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
