put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
dude i'm inner monologue high
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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