Soap is not a condiment
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
