There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize