When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
