Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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