last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My hand turned me down
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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