I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
