dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
