Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
