I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
