She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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