he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
