i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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