wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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