I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
