I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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