I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
