that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
