I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's blow job season.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
