Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
