Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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