Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
