I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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