the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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