Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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