Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
