im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
