I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
