It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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