Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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