Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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