my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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