he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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