CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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