Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
