i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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