No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
