eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
