First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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