Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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