Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
