Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
