Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
