seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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