Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
