if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm getting married
To pizza
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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